Setting Boundaries is the Key to Healing Binge Eating

I'm here today to admit, I'm Stephanie and I'm a recovering People Pleaser. I used to say yes to everything. I would often overextend myself and drain my own energy just to make sure you liked me. That is really what is often at the core of people pleasing. There is a belief that if we just are always there for everyone else we will be loved, accepted, appreciated, and worthy to be alive here in this world.

When you're that exhausted and drained from giving all of your energy and reserves to everyone else, what is left for you?

This can be when food comes in as the one thing that you give back to yourself. The pattern of give give give all day long and then binge binge binge at night and then repeat again the next day, I it know well. If this sounds familiar to you, you're not alone in what you're going through.

Food may be the one place you feel safe to receive. If you identify as a Yes person or a People Pleaser, then there is often no space for you to ask for support from others. That would destroy and go against the identity you have created to potentially protect and support yourself in making sure you will be accepted and appreciated in your community. Additionally, saying No to someone else may feel so uncomfortable it is just worth it to continue to say Yes and reach for food to emotionally self soothe from a drained spirit.

Every time you say Yes to something you don't really want to be saying Yes to is fueling the eating patterns you probably wish would go away. Setting boundaries and saying No is the key to transforming a pattern of binging on food.

Let's take a moment to reframe what saying No means:

• Saying No means you're sometimes putting the care of yourself first (which could mean you have more energy to give back later).

• Saying No means you will be satiating your emotional hungers of feeling attended to where food no longer has to come in to support you in feeling seen.

• Saying No means you're saying Yes to something else. That might be your self care or time to spend however you like or perhaps something you may not even be aware of in the moment.

• Saying No to someone else when you can't be a support might mean you're giving them an opportunity to experience their resilience.

• Saying No can be you teaching others how you deserve to be treated potentially creating the respectful friendships and relationships you desire.

Whatever you have believed it meant to set boundaries and say No we need to create a new definition. Saying No to set a boundary does not mean that you're intentionally creating separation between you and others. Expressing your boundaries to others means you're revealing who you are and what you need to thrive which can actually create deeper connections. If you say No to someone and they do not process your No smoothly, that says more about them than it does about you.

You deserve to say No and set boundaries in your life to put the care and vitality of your body as a top priority.

As you step into feeling more and more empowered your sense of physical hunger will naturally find a new rhythm and homeostasis as your body comes into a relaxation response and senses it no longer feels like it needs to protect you from potential danger. Every time you say Yes when you want to say No, your body can interpret that as a threat that you cannot listen to what it is trying to tell you because there something in your immediate environment that you need to protect yourself from.

Just think if you're body senses it is trying to protect itself from something all day long how exhausting that is! Of course then you go reach for food at the end of the day as your body feels like it needs to replenish from feeling drained and then has to maybe prepare for another whole day tomorrow of protecting itself. The more you actually say No, the more you're telling your body it is safe and everything is alright.

So what might this look like?

Let's say your friend asks you if you can come help them move. You have had a really intense week at work and you already feel drained and you were looking forward to a weekend of relaxing. Your immediate impulse might be to say Yes as you don't want your friend to think you don't care about them. If we take a moment to play this out, what this might look like is overextending yourself on the weekend beyond feeling drained from the week. You might feel so disconnected by the time you get home from helping your friend that you take out all your comfort foods and eat until you fall asleep just to get that experience of relaxation you were hoping to have before your friend's request.

If you want the binging on food to stop, that means that you will need to step outside of your comfort zone of saying Yes. The momentary discomfort of saying No becomes worth it as you notice you feel more comfortable long term. Whereas continuing to say Yes leaves you feeling comfortable momentarily and uncomfortable long term as the same patterns play out with food.

Let's play back that scenario again.

Your friend asks you for support with moving. You check in with yourself and you sense yourself contract thinking about overextending yourself all weekend. You tell your friend how much you love and appreciate them. You let them know what a hard week you have had and that you really need this weekend to recuperate. You ask if there is anything they will need support with next week after you have taken some time to gain your energy back. You spend the weekend doing exactly what you need to do to feel cared for such as making nourishing meals, moving your body in loving ways, perhaps reading a book or watching a good movie and, you go to sleep early. You have so much energy the next week you're able to support them in unpacking their boxes and setting up their new home.

A pattern of binging on food is guiding you in some way. It is telling you that there is something happening in your life that does not feel nourishing. There is nothing "wrong" or "bad" about this pattern. The next time you feel the urge to binge, slow down, and get curious. Have you been saying Yes too often lately? Have you been ignoring your own needs? Have you been putting everyone else first? You can begin to ask yourself where do you need to start saying No and setting clear boundaries with others or even with yourself. And as always, be very gentle with yourself in this process. Change is all about baby steps and you get to take all the baby steps you need here.