Learning to Love your Body through Romancing Yourself
Welcome to the Satiated Podcast where we explore physical and emotional hunger, satiation and healing your relationship with your food and body. I'm your host Stephanie Mara Fox, your Somatic Nutritional Counselor. I’m super excited to introduce you all to Perle Noire. Perle is an intuitive healer, creative director, transformative coach, and the creator of The Healing Through Seduction program. She specializes in guided sensual touch, empowerment workshops, and burlesque-inspired healing rituals. She is an advocate for people searching for a community to reclaim their bodies and control over their sensuality. Perle has been featured in Cosmopolitan, Curve, 21st Century Burlesque, L. A Times, Broadway World, MTV, Bustle, and Reflex. Welcome Perle!
Perle Noire 00:57
So excited to be here!!! Hello, everybody. Hello, hello, hello.
Stephanie Mara 01:03
I am really excited to just have you on here today and to talk about your work. And to get started off, I would love to hear a little bit more of your story and how you got into this work that you're doing.
Perle Noire 01:16
Oh my goodness, it is a long one. But I will try to make it as brief as possible. So I truly believe that I am the reincarnation of Josephine Baker. I believe I was chosen by my ancestors, by her ancestors to continue this work. I believe I was chosen to make sure that people of color remember to celebrate going through the front door, because so many people went through the back for us. And I believe that I am a you know, half human, truly a goddess, like the sun, the you know, the sun is a goddess hiding in plain sight. And I'm really honored to do this work. And I started this journey with burlesque. I found myself in New Orleans in like 2001. And I found myself wanting to do musicals. I grew up really poor so I didn't have any formal training. But I knew that as soon as I can get out on the road, I would you know, take off. I knew I had the talent. And so I found myself auditioning for this burlesque, all black, burlesque musical. And I landed the role of Lolly Fadeechi. And in that work, that's how I found out about Josephine Baker and found out about burlesque and really took a deep dive in it. And I did that for a few years. And then I said Okay, I'm ready to transition to fully doing this tribute to Josephine Baker with everything that I do. And I landed this show called Blessed Out Burlesque. It was at you know, the nice famous House of Blues in New Orleans. And I remember when I went in, I it was just me and all of these beautiful white women and I knew for a fact that if there was a white man in charge, chances were slim that I would get in. But luckily for me, Dolly Rivas was the choreographer. She was a black, gorgeous, tall, statuesque woman. And she just knew I was a diamond in the rough. So she really advocated for me to get in the show. And I got in the show. The first day of rehearsals, I said, I'm going to, I'm going to manifest that they change my name to Josephine Baker's name, and that they give me the role of Josephine Baker in this show. And that's what happened. She looked at me, she said, let's call her Perle Noire, not realizing that that is Josephine Baker's name. That's what everyone called her in Paris. And a lot of people don't know just how deep my tribute goes to her that even my name is a tribute to her. And so fast forward. I was doing this show for years. And then I did my first competition. Burlesque has a Museum and Hall of Fame. And so it's the Burlesque Hall of Fame. When I went there and compete, it blew everyone away with my Josephine Baker tribute doing my backflips and toe touches. And then before I knew it, even without like a significant title in the burlesque world, I was like this queen of Burlesque and one of the only black women in it, touring places like Sydney, going to private islands to pay homage to Josephine, and to put black women at the forefront and not just a black woman, but a dark skinned black woman. Usually for black women. When it's the first one in the door for us, she's usually biracial, she's usually fair skin. So it was a real big deal for a black woman who doesn't have like the traditional beauty or body to get into the door. And people felt this connection to me because they could tell that all of my performances were ritualistic, and that I intended for them to be healing not just for myself but the audience. But then there was a part of me that was still trying to heal from internalized racism from growing up being told that my color was wrong. And so I would get these standing ovations, right, and then get to that hotel room in Sydney, the girl from the ghetto in Sydney, not convinced that I belong to there, because I didn't have the right skin tone, because my body wasn't right. And I, it one day clicked for me that I had to heal myself through seduction, that the seduction in my life couldn't end with emotional surrogates and that I had to focus on body positivity. And for me, that meant falling in love with being a brown skinned girl. And that I had to fall in love with the way my body was shaped and not reject food. And so what I did was anytime I drank water or had something to eat, that's when I romanced myself with my affirmations, hence, how Healing Through Seduction was born.
Stephanie Mara 05:52
That's amazing. Wow, you have been on just such a journey to really claim empowerment in this body as it is, and really step into it is good enough as it is.
Perle Noire 06:07
Mmmhmmm. Because I, you know, and that's the thing, like, I love that body positivity is a thing. And I think what's being left out of the conversation, though, is that for some people, no matter how much they exercise, or have that high self esteem, society is still telling them that it's wrong. For some of us that body positivity, we can't go to the gym to change the color of it. And so there has to be that deep connection to your self worth and loving what you can change. And I also like to encourage myself and others to love the flat stomach and the rolls. So like, stop being ourselves from picking out those chapters. Let's enjoy the full auto biography.
Stephanie Mara 06:54
Yeah, so I want to hear more around this piece of how you've used seduction to facilitate body acceptance.
Perle Noire 07:04
Because, you know, as I said, growing up being told, I mean, I can't even really, we would have to be here for years to talk about the trauma of not being the right color. This, you just cannot change it. And for some people, you can't change your body, no matter how much you exercise, you just have those curves. And you just need to get into it. Okay. And so for me, I was just noticing, I took a step back, and I said, Man, even when I was watching cartoons, as a child, I was taught that the princess was only valuable when someone kissed her. The princess was really valuable when someone else woke her up. Until then she was in a state of vegetation. Until someone else said, Oh, you're valuable, let me pick you up. But you be quiet. Be still. Don't do too much. Don't think. Don't be too loud. And if you are a free thinker, you're going to be in a castle with a beast. Like, come on, what are these messages? So I just said to myself, Oh, I have been taught that someone else has to tell me I'm valuable that my existence will rely on an emotional surrogate. And I said to myself that that just can't be right. And it just felt so dangerous to me. Like I knew the terrible thoughts I was having. And so I said to myself, I know I can't be alone. And so there's a connection with seduction, and taking it a step further, you know, be a good girl, but until someone thinks you're good in bed, you are worthless, until a man tells you, like regardless of your gender, of what you feel you are, regardless of your sexuality, when we were taught it was the norm, you know, we all got taught that same message of man and a woman. And whatever the feminine energy is until the masculine energy deems it worthy it isn't. And I said, No, I have to start like seducing myself and not just masturbating. No, like, let's say words of affirmation. Okay, affirmations feel fake, they feel phony. Okay, so let me say some poems to myself. Let me actually take myself out on a nice dinner and truly enjoy my food. Instead of having shame around how much I eat, what I eat, especially from being a girl from the south. It's like here's a stick of butter and a side of a stick of butter. That's the way we cook. Do you want butter with that butter? Yes. And being okay with that. So that's how it started. For me there was just a void from not having the relationship I wanted with my own mother, not having a father around and having every black person, every white person, every Asian person, every Latin person that I grew up saying something is wrong with you because you are a darker than a brown paper bag. So I just knew I couldn't, I couldn't rely on anyone to seduce me and make me feel good, because they already let me down. They've already proven that they can't do it. So that's how it started. I hope I answered that.
Stephanie Mara 10:14
Yeah, yeah, you did. There's so many amazing threads in there that I really want to appreciate. One, you pointing out that sometimes all the kind of surface level things that we hear from, well just take care of yourself, you know, eat the quote, unquote, healthy foods, move your body in, quote, unquote, these healthy ways. And that you'll get this body that's deemed worthy. And that for some individuals, that societally constructed ideal body shape will literally never happen because of what someone has just been birthed with. Of this is my body. This is its shape, this is its weight, this is its color. And I think that also lends itself to that piece of I talk a lot about on this concept of how important a sense of safety is in one's body. But when the whole world is telling you that this isn't a body that could ever feel safe, that that sense of safety, what I'm hearing you pointing to, it has to start to be cultivated within yourself, because the world's not going to provide that to you.
Perle Noire 11:20
And part of our seduction has to be what I teach is turning everything back to self. So that way, there's no disappointment, because you've been living up to this point so it's been proven that you can show up for yourself and honoring people's capacity. So people love in the way they want to be loved the way they've been shown to love and as a response of their own trauma. And that is something we'll never be able to control contrary to what a lot of little girls have been taught, you know, and they become women, or you can get anyone to fall in love with, you just manipulate the situation and, and this will happen, no people can only do what they can do. That's why you have to take other people out of the equation when it comes to your own healing. And what I teach people too is like, well, you know, you're gonna die, your body will die if you don't eat and drink water. So why do we then tell ourselves that our spirit, and that sensuality doesn't need to be fed as well. So then also taking away the element of, well, if you just exercise if you just eat, then you'll have this, this sense of self worth, like taking those things that we can't control out of the equation, and diving a bit deeper into like, well, how are you romancing yourself? How are you relying on yourself? How are you nurturing your inner child? What are you saying to you? And I think that that's how it can become very powerful. And consistent.
Stephanie Mara 12:52
Yeah, and something else that I'm hearing you point out, for a lot of individuals, I'm guessing that when they hear the word seduction, it becomes a very sexualized thing. And it really doesn't have to, like even all of the examples you've been giving so far is like you even just said, like, how do I romance myself? And kind of reclaiming that for you of just like, oh, there's also this focus of like, everything that you just talked about, like with Disney movies, and all the things we're taught there is that you are also in relationship with yourself, and why do we put so much more importance on having like a romantic date with someone else? But rarely is that happening with like, Can I have a romantic date with myself?
Perle Noire 13:37
And we must, we must start prioritizing that. And one of the things too, that I'm just adamant about and I feel my ancestors gave me this task for all people for all women, but especially women of color to release the honor of having that badge of this is how much pain I can take. This is how much I can show up for other people. You see how I'm rundown. I mean, look at the greeting cards: grandmama I just love how you sacrificed for me, you're a good wife because of the way you sacrifice. You put me before you. And we need to stop romanticizing sacrificing ourselves, martyring ourselves and show people how to love us by loving ourselves. Show your partners if you have one how to romance you. How are they even going to know you want a romantic date if they never see you go on one by yourself. What are people to know about you that you're not showcasing yourself? So I just we've got to we have to release that badge of honor about how much pain we can take on and how good we can become the martyr. We have to release that.
Stephanie Mara 14:53
Yeah, and I love what you're just pointing to is that also how could we possibly know how we want to be loved and supported, and held and seen and heard, unless we start with exploring that with ourselves first.
Perle Noire 15:08
Yeah, and then it takes away the, it takes away the pressure from any kind of partnership you may have. But let's talk about since we're talking about what people normally think of when they hear the word seduction, you know, and a lot of times women come to me because they're like, Well, I want to learn how to be sexy for my man. And I always tell them the truth, you will not feel good taking this class if that's your focus, and you won't finish it. Because as soon as the partner says one little thing for you, you'll think that you're done and you'll leave. But everything has to be inward. And if we are going to focus on that traditional seduction, you know, we can be angry with these partners that don't know how to give us an orgasm, make us feel sensual, when you don't even know how to speak what you want, you're too afraid of your own voice. So let's moan together in this healing through seduction class, while I asked you to tap into your inner burlesque queen, by you know, seducing your own neck activating, and everyone is so afraid to hear themselves moan. They're afraid to cry, they're afraid to scream. And it's like, and that's the point. And that's why you have to be here. That's why it has to be an ongoing practice. You know, and you have to have patience, too. You started out eating with your hands. And now we can order that caviar. Okay, we can pick up that champagne, and we can get that knife when get that cutlery and have that steak. But it didn't start that way. So that's the other part today. Oh, my God, everyone, have some patience. Have some grace for yourself. Fall in love with your trauma, the way you have fallen in love with everyone else's. Because another part of seduction that people forget to talk about, is you usually fall in love with that person's trauma first, because you want to be the person in their life that's going to change how they see the world, you're going to be the person who's not going to let them down. What about you? You're so busy honoring their boundaries, you're forgetting your own. And that's how the resentment happens. So have some patience, the way you fall in love with someone's trauma, fall in love with your own. And what I mean by that is how some have some damn compassion for yourself.
Stephanie Mara 17:24
Yeah, I love that you are twisting this around a little bit. Because a lot of the time we get this message around our own personal traumas that they're what made us weak. And that actually like our traumas, we learned from them, we grew from them. And that to love all of you is also like our traumas, we learned from them, we grew from them. And that to love all of you is also to love the part of you that went through that trauma and did the best they could to come out of it.
Perle Noire 17:53
Absolutely. Absolutely.
Stephanie Mara 17:55
So I'm curious, what kinds of things do you teach in these classes? And when someone's listening to this, and they're like, Okay, this sounds interesting. Where do I even start like romancing myself, how do I even start this art of seduction with myself? Like, what would you offer to someone who's very curious about starting this adventure?
Perle Noire 18:17
I'm so happy you asked. So one way we can all start healing ourselves through the art of self seduction is like we talked about earlier, change your connection with food. So actually sit down and eat your food, do not consume it. So when we think about seduction, seduction is a very slow dance. And especially when we think of feminine beings, most of them want this slow seduction, there's this this courtship. So you can start courting yourself by taking your time to eat. Right. And also, what I love to do is have people record themselves either masturbating, breathing, or saying beautiful, romantic poetry to themselves. And so one way you can do that is to just speak freely about a fantasy. And a fantasy could be I want to go into this job tomorrow. And I want to talk to my boss and tell my boss exactly how I need to be treated and, and what my boundaries are and leave knowing that I'm going to be respected and that I'm not going to be fired. Right? The romance can be my goodness, you know, I really missed the days that I used to just skip down the street. I want to do that again. Right? And then play it back to yourself, on the days that you need comfort. And let me tell you, that kind of exercise just listening to yourself. Be uninhibited with your words, is so powerful. You'll either find yourself embarrassed by your own desires, or there could be sadness, sometimes there's sadness in seduction, because it does show us what we don't have. And we're taught to obsess about what we don't have. And so that that you can turn around and say but once you can speak it you can you can attain it, because you know exactly what you what you want. The other thing I'd like to do to romance myself is hide little treats for myself around the house. So I'll get like those little jewelry satchels, and you can put like some candy, and like a nice sweet note to yourself, and hide them all over the house, hide them in books, hide them in your drawers, and I promise you, you will find these notes when you need them.
Stephanie Mara 20:25
I love that. I kind of think of it as like when you put your winter clothes away. And then you bring them back out and you stick your hands in your winter coat and you like find like, Oh, look $5 but instead it could be a love note to yourself.
Perle Noire 20:41
It is that. And the other thing I like that I'd like to encourage people to do especially now because we have a mask on. But for the people who are shy, now for me, I will walk down the street and just have a full on conversation with myself. I'll talk to the clouds, I'll talk to the trees because I'm that person. But if you're feeling shy to do that, talk to yourself in the trees and like all of the goddesses that are hiding in plain sight with your mask on and you just will I'm telling you, you can't help but smile, because part of seduction to that is missing that people forget about is that you have to tap into your inner child. And so it's like, well what do you mean like no, I don't want to think about childhood when I'm being seductive. No, no, you must. Because when you were a child, anytime you explored your body, or your atmosphere, you didn't judge it until someone taught you to.
Stephanie Mara 21:31
Mmhmm. Yeah.
Perle Noire 21:33
You know. So those are some fun ways to start.
Stephanie Mara 21:35
You know, what I'm really hearing in all of this is embodiment, you have to get back into your body to actually enjoy what your body is experiencing. But if you're disconnected and not in your body, you can't know what feels joyful and pleasurable and fills you up with joy or happiness, if you aren't actually in your body. So it starts with kind of coming back home in this body, which we're coming full circle here if all you've been doing is judging your body, it feels hard to be in this body, it's all connected.
Perle Noire 22:08
It is it is. And that's why what you're doing is so, so important. Because the thing that we cannot exceed when we think about our body is the shape, or the curves, or the scars or the dimples, and that is connected to so many of us with what we're eating. So then we have to allow ourselves to be more playful, even when we are eating to be more seductive, taking our time and not feeling shameful, or rushed, or disconnected from the process of eating, as well.
Stephanie Mara 22:44
Yeah, and even what you were talking about, of, you know, get immersed with your eating experience of sometimes I even like to tell people, like get rid of your silverware, like you kind of just said, like you started as a baby, eating with your hands, just kind of getting your hands dirty in that food and smearing it all over your face. And, you know, we miss out on doing that as we grow older, because then it's how we're supposed to eat or what is yeah, just deemed acceptable in terms of how to interact with our food. And if you're home alone or with someone else, and it feels safe to do this, like getting your hands messy in your food, or like you were even saying hiding yourself treats or candy, you know, I have so many individuals who tell themselves I shouldn't be eating this, but then they're denying themselves the eating experience that they wanted to have. And so if you want a piece of chocolate, slow down with it, notice the pleasure from it, take as long as you want with it, like actually have an experience with it. And you might notice you don't need to keep eating more because that initial piece that you had was so satisfying because you allowed yourself to fully be embodied while you ate it.
Perle Noire 24:00
And I would take it even a step further and yeah, lingerie, aka lingarie put on some lingarie Y'all when you eat and put it on China. Everything that I eat, I eat it on China, even if it's some chips. I like if I want to get into my ghetto energy, country energy. It's like here's some hot Cheetos and some puffs. Mix it together. We're gonna put it in this China bowl. Okay. when I have my chocolate, even if it's like a mini Reese's cup, I still put it on China.
Stephanie Mara 24:03
Yeah, it's the experience that you're having with it. I completely agree with that because why save something for a quote unquote special occasion. Like every day of your life that you wake up is a special occasion that you're still here.
Perle Noire 24:49
It really is and that's, that's where it's at everybody. Don't deny yourself those treats and also take the treats up a notch.
Stephanie Mara 25:02
Yeah. So we're getting into some really great examples of what someone can practice. I'm curious, you already started to point to it a little bit earlier. How could you even prep someone because I'm imagining if someone hasn't been in this kind of relationship with themselves, a lot of emotional reactions are going to come up. So I'm curious what you have seen in your workshops, and what you have prepped your individuals going through your workshops with ahead of time, of, hey, this sense of judgment or even shame or whatever might come up as you start to enter into this kind of deeper relationship with yourself.
Perle Noire 25:42
It's always so tricky because I ask people to prep by surrendering to the unknown, surrendering to truly embodying their sensuality, without being performative. Especially because I'm a burlesque performer, I do get a lot of performers, I get a lot of sex workers, I get a lot of times I get a lot of moms, lawyers, these creative people, and everyone wants to come in 5,6,7,8. And I'm like, great. Now, moan for no reason. Well, with my neighbors here? What did you think about the neighbors last week when you were making a baby now? So let's do it. Now let's look at ourselves. Let's say an affirmation. Affirmations feel like I'm being phony, right? Do you hear what that means? Saying something kind to yourself feels phony to you. So also, the prep is truly understanding that you may get emotional and everyone wants to deny that fact. And so throughout the sessions, I have to constantly remind people that the crying is a gift from the gods, it's our ambrosia in our body that we are not utilizing. Because we've been taught that it's associated with weakness, when it's really our power. It's really how we can get into ourselves. So the prep is, you know, spending days before you see me actually looking at yourself, how can you slow down? And most people skip the prep? Or when they come to me? It's like, oh, no, I've got this, you know, I'm, you know, I'm a lawyer. You know, I'm a psychologist, you know, I'm a creator, I'm a dom. And what shocks them is that I come in as a sensual Jiminy Cricket and I'm asking for nothing, nothing. I'm just being kind to them. And it shocks them how much that can either make them feel liberated or triggered. Because it's like, why haven't I been getting this? Where has this been? Why have I been neglecting myself and now I'm judging now there's the shame. And so the shame is mostly coming from realizing just how much they neglect, pleasure and joy, for the praise of being the martyr. The praise of carrying the pain, the praise of burning themselves out. And it's it's a tricky, slow because again, most people truly ignore those emails. The calls I'm like, Okay, it's the countdown. So let's do this. Okay, come in here without wanting anything, just come. And so then it's hard for them because there's just like, they want the structure. Okay, so if I do A how do I get to Z? I don't know, we're still on A. We're still on A everyone. And so the prep, it's very tricky, because everyone is waiting on that orgasm. And I'm saying, I haven't even touched your genitals yet. I'm still touching your ear.
Stephanie Mara 28:43
Such fantastic guidance that you're giving of stepping into the unknown, because sometimes we fear going into a new experience, because of what might come up in that space. And what we might learn about ourselves. And I really hear that in that space, is, well, what if I just didn't know, I didn't know what I'm going to learn about myself. I don't know what might come up. I actually might be pleasantly surprised. This actually might even be an enjoyable connecting experience with myself. And so I think that actually, that first step of saying, let's just be in the unknown together, as you start romancing yourself, that we don't actually know what's going to come up until we get there. So let's just be in the unknown together, that analogy could go like we're so quick for the the quick fix of the hit of satisfaction and that can come from your sexual experiences that could come from let me just go reach for this food to not feel what I'm feeling. I just want the quick hit of feeling better. And that if we actually just sit with Hey, this is what's present right now. I'm actually just here at your earlobe, like you're saying, or I'm just actually here with what I'm feeling right now you get to slow down the process of what is it like to be in relationship with what's showing up right now. And something else that you said is it's so easy to, to do that with someone else. Like if your significant other was upset about something, you would just be there, you'd be like, I got you what's going on? Let's unpack this, let's talk about this, do you need to cry, I'm gonna hold you. And yet to do that for ourselves is so very difficult. And that oftentimes, there's something that wants to come in to just let's get back to the good feeling again. And that needs to be slowed down and say, okay, here, here's where I am. It feels uncomfortable right now, can I be in relationship with myself with this discomfort.
Perle Noire 30:52
Right now. And what I always tell my students and clients, I say, you know, don't forget that I'm offering gumbo to you. You know, you've been having that pink slime at McDonald's, you liking it. But what about this gumbo, honey? Well, let's get this gumbo going. And the gumbo is good. Not just because once it's in the bowl, in that China bowl, you have that rice in the room, you have the seafood or whatever you're having. They even have vegetarian gumbo now, but it's the experience of watching the person go to the market to get the fresh ingredients, you get home, the families around and you start smelling the seasonings and this experience the music is going you're having something to drink tea or a libation. And so it's the hours of this everything coming together and then you have the big O but it's like, you know, the entire process is great. My mentor goddess Amina, I took her conscious erotic touch certification. And one of the things that she also really is an advocate for is enjoying pleasure, truly embodying it truly enjoying the touch. You know, okay, yes, I can teach you how to squirt. But what about tapping? What about body mapping? What about the sensations? Did you know that you can maybe even have an orgasm if someone touches your collarbone in one particular spot? No, you don't know, because you haven't even explored your own body. Yet, you know, you're relying on someone else to know something that you don't even know. And that's also unfair.
Stephanie Mara 32:38
So I'm curious about the transformations that you've seen, because a lot of our listeners are searching for to feel more comfortable in the skin that they're in. And so I'm curious how you have seen the transformation through romancing, seducing oneself, and that translating over to kind of feeling more comfortable with one's body, more body acceptance, like you said, body positivity, all of that.
Perle Noire 33:04
Yeah. You know, my last six week program, there is this beautiful, beautiful, gorgeous black woman named Cheria. And she's interviewed Oprah, she's interviewed Gail, she's interviewed Hillary Clinton. And one of the things I focused on during that program was also honoring our boundaries with ourselves. So exploring the body more and saying, Well, how does this feel? How does this feel? Am I hungry? Do I want more food? Am I thirsty? What is it that I need? Because when you practice honoring your boundaries with yourself first on, like, very consistently, and it is so easily to tell that lover, oh, you know, hey, I don't like this because you've already said it to yourself. It's easy to tell your boss, you know, actually, no, I'm not available past 60 hours for this week, because I need to recharge and you're gonna thank me for that, because I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna kill this case. And she said, seeing me honor my boundaries with a student in real time she said that she was able to go on her boundaries with her mother, which we all know that it's very hard to do, and with her partner that she had been with for a long time. And so that transformation, again, because we're just so used to like, what's that big win that's when we can celebrate, but it's like no, doing something as simple and as lovely and as inspiring, of not going straight to your genitals when you masturbate. So starting at the top of your head, moaning slightly, breathing and connecting to breath really taking your time and saying yes and no out loud when you touch certain parts of your body that will help you learn how powerful and good it feels to have transformation with yourself everyday by just simply honoring your boundaries. And then that'll help you be able to speak up more often in this world with everything that you want.
Stephanie Mara 34:50
Yeah, and something I'm hearing in that is that when we speak up more of here are my boundaries, this is what I need, this is doesn't feel respectful, it feels easier to be in the body. Because we're not denying it. We're not fighting it. We're not telling it, hey, I'm not going to listen to you. I know that feels uncomfortable to you. But we're going to do this anyway. That the more in alignment we are with those boundaries and when we need to say yes, and when we need to say no, feels easier to be in this body as it is.
Perle Noire 35:22
Absolutely. And the thing is, why I want us to practice seducing ourselves and healing ourselves through seduction with touching ourselves more often and physically saying yes, Oh, I like that. Yes, yes, no, no. Because boundaries, having people honor our boundaries has nothing to do with their behavior changing. It's our behavior changing. And sometimes it can be something silent, you maybe don't even need to say, Hey, I'm not doing this, you can just stop allowing the interaction to happen. But again, if you're not even conscious with yourself, there, this is actually impossible to do with others without resentment, without being confrontational without being without traumatizing others, because you'll be coming from a like, head against the wall, like you better listen to me like because I've been feeling so unheard all this time for years and now snapping on you. Because the you know, there just hasn't been that practice of honoring the boundaries yourself.
Stephanie Mara 36:24
And something that I really appreciate you pointing out right there is that setting boundaries is not with the expectation of trying to change someone else's behavior, that it's getting clear on what your boundaries are. And someone else may feel really uncomfortable with you starting to set boundaries that you've maybe never set before. And if it's someone that you really truly care about, you can talk through that with them. But that you aren't breaking your boundaries, you can say, hey, I understand this is really uncomfortable for you for me to set this boundary, I'm still setting a boundary right now, because that's what's going to feel best to me. And I am happy to hold space for you to talk about that discomfort, but my boundary is not going to change.
Perle Noire 37:06
Absolutely and again, I must say people will respond in the way that you set them to respond. So people will treat you the way you tell them to through your actions. So you maybe won't even have to say anything, you just shift that energy. But again, I just can't stress it enough. If you are thinking about seduction, if you're thinking about healing, if you're thinking about readjusting your expectations of the world, of your partner, of your family, please hold up a mirror to yourself, because that person staring back at you is the only person that needs to change. They don't.
Stephanie Mara 37:51
So well said, I'm really excited that your work exists in the world. And it's so very needed, so that individuals can start interacting with their bodies that they live in, because this is the only body that we get in this lifetime, and so that you know that individuals can start to relate with this body in such a different way that comes from a place of what you've been talking about self empathy, self compassion, self understanding. So I'm so glad that your work exists. And I would love for our listeners to know where they can keep in touch with you where they can learn more about you and your offerings.
Perle Noire 38:28
Thank you so much. I just want to thank you once again for having me, and for your work. And thank you for saying yes. When I talk to people about seduction, because we are afraid of, first of all, my offer has two words that we're afraid of. Three. Healing, going through something and seduction. And I'm so grateful for you for giving me a chance to explain how what I offer does coincide with what you offer. So I just want to say that. And I would be really delighted for your listeners to take my free five day challenge. I've made it to where you can dedicate five minutes for five days. And I'm emailing it to you. And it's free. So you have no reason to say no to yourself. So I'd love to give you that link. And if people like Instagram, you can find me there it is @theperlenoire.
Stephanie Mara 39:22
Awesome. And I will put all of these links in the show notes so people can keep in touch with you and get that challenge. That sounds amazing and awesome. And thank you for offering that. And yeah, just thank you so much, again for being here. And also very honored that we got this opportunity to kind of show that there is a connection between this work in the world, and that it all comes back to a place of feeling safe in your body as it is and there are a lot of different avenues to do that.
Perle Noire 39:51
Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Stephanie Mara 39:55
Yeah, well to all of the listeners. Thanks so much for being here today. If you have any questions for either of us I will leave our contact information in the show notes and looking forward to connecting with you all again very soon. Bye!
Keep in touch with Perle here:
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theperlenoire/
Website: https://blackburlesquequeen.com/
Free Challenge: https://unique-maker-925.ck.page/d2ab5f339c