A Guide for Loved Ones Supporting Your Healing from Disordered Eating

Do you sometimes feel like you lose your words when trying to explain to others what you're working on in your relationship with food? Or do you feel like there are things you wish others would know so that you don't have to explain it to them on this food and body healing journey?

A conversation I often find myself in with those I work with is how to explain to those around them what will and will not be helpful on this healing path.

Today I'm talking to your loved ones for you. If you've been nervous about asking for what you need on this journey, you can send them this podcast episode and then have a dialogue with them afterward. Or, you can utilize what I offer here about what talking points you may want to use. You might also take time to reflect on these points and assess if there is anything else you would add for how you uniquely would like to be supported.

Hello loved one!

You're being sent this podcast episode as someone who is near and dear to you wants you to know a few things as they step out of diet culture and heal their relationship with food.

First, this person is not broken.

They don't need fixing. It won't be your responsibility to get them to heal. You don't have to offer suggestions, guidance, or advice unless your person asks for it. What can be most supportive is asking them how would they like support today, if any. This way they get to tell you how they would like to be supported so you're both clear.

Educate yourself.

If your person is open to talking about what their food and body behaviors currently are, go off and read up on this pattern with food so you have more of an understanding of what's going on. You might like to listen to more of my podcast episodes or go to stephaniemara.com/resources to check out some books you can read.

Be mindful of what you say.

It's normalized in our culture to talk about food and body, to comment on other bodies, to share what new diet we're going on, or what weight we've gained or lost. This can be highly dysregulating to your person and may trigger their food coping mechanisms. Discussing dieting or intentional weight loss can perpetuate the message that the only way we're worthy and valuable is by how we look. Get really curious for yourself why you want to talk about these things and work to minimize how much you're sharing about your food and body behaviors with your person. You might open up a dialogue with them about what feels activating to them and what doesn't so you start to create a shared language together. Now, if your person is open, ready, and interested in having a conversation about food or body that is challenging diet culture and what you've learned from family and friends growing up and why you both potentially have created these habits and patterns and then go for it!

Be open to communication.

You're human. Obviously, you might say or do something that doesn't resonate with your person. Part of their healing is going to be working on speaking up for themselves and sharing their needs more. When they practice this with you, start by thanking them for sharing their need and perspectives. This is a very big deal where they may feel incredibly anxious having even said anything. Strive to make it a safe space for them to have shared their truth. If it is triggering to you, absolutely take a minute for yourself and let them know you need some time to reflect on what they've said or asked for. Which leads me to...

Find your own support.

When someone you love is healing, sometimes it can shine a mirror back to you around things you may need to attend to within yourself. You might notice an impulse to get your person to stop doing their behaviors because it brings something up within you and if you get them to stop then it would make the discomfort you're feeling go away. I get it. It can feel really uncomfortable to see someone you love struggle and this may be an opportunity for you to deepen into relationship with yourself with how you show up for you when things externally are triggering.

Avoid judgment and criticism.

No one could be as mean as your person is on themselves. Please refrain from making any comment on their eating behaviors, their appearance, or weight fluctuations. Trust me. They've already been heavily tracking it themselves and they're working on making this less of a focus in their life.

Practice patience.

This healing journey isn't like getting over a cold. It takes years and sometimes decades for healing to occur. Help your person celebrate really small wins. This might be eating breakfast in the morning, going out to eat, not skipping a meal, reaching out to you for support instead of binging, not weighing themselves, trying a new food, and so forth. While these may sound insignificant, they can feel really big inside of your loved one's body so you get to support them in acknowledging themselves with every little step they take.

Get to know red flags.

When your person is feeling highly stressed, they will often be struggling with navigating the impulse to engage in their food coping mechanisms. You might chat with them about other signs you can look out for if they're having a hard time speaking up revealing that they're struggling. This could look like not hearing from them for several days, going to the bathroom a lot, wandering off into the kitchen when no one is there, spending a lot of time on their phone, not wanting to go out, picking on themselves, or having a hard time concentrating or maintaining a conversation.

Learn how they want you to express concern.

Sometimes, you might see your person enacting behaviors that you know they're actively trying to decrease. Chat with your person about how they want you to express concern so you're using language or code words that they're open to hearing especially when they're in a fragile place.

I hope this is supportive to you and your person to learn how to support each other through this food and body healing adventure. This is an ongoing practice and both you and your person will learn over time how to speak to each other and communicate needs, feelings, emotions, and appreciation with kindness and compassion. If you have any questions about any of this email me at support@stephaniemara.com anytime.