Building a Relationship with Judgment That's Protecting You From Your Body

I have often found the days after Thanksgiving to be harder than the days leading up. The days leading up, you may have had an inner planner making all of these strategies for you about what you were or were not going to eat, how you were going to respond to different people, what you were going to practice differently this year.

Then, you go through the actual holiday. To quote Ram Dass, “If you think you are enlightened, go and spend a week with your family.”

Now, you're actually in the event, face to face with the people you've been gearing up internally to be around. I know in some moments for myself, I have stayed grounded within my present day self, and in others, my inner teenager takes over along with a fight or flight response and I can respond in ways that are reactive.

Stephanie has left the building and survival Stephanie has stepped in. Does that resonate with you at all?

Afterward, you're left wondering where you went and how did you eat so much food. I get how disorienting it can be. And that's when your inner judger steps in. It tells you,

• "How dare you have eaten all of those carbs!"

• "How are you going to make up for this?"

• "How could you treat me that way?"

• "I can't believe you couldn't get control over yourself."

This part of you can be loud and hurtful. It's hard to question them. You may know this voice so well it feels like it's your own. You wouldn't even think of questioning it. It just feels so darn familiar because it has been with you for decades of your life.

I want to offer a different perspective on this inner judge. Judging yourself for your food coping mechanism is protecting you. It’s protecting you from feeling. It’s protecting you from getting closer to your body. It’s protecting you from exploring what initially sparked your food impulses. If you stopped judging yourself, something would potentially arise in that space that your body is not yet ready to process.

Not judging yourself might mean you'd have to feel the pain that your parents can't show up for you the way you need them to. Silencing your inner judge may mean you'd need to speak up to someone in your family that has disrespected you and that feels so overwhelming it feels safer to turn that disrespect in on yourself. Quieting your inner judger might mean that you'd have to start to process the lack of safety you feel around certain family members you see during the holidays because of the harm you have experienced with them in the past.

I often hear others criticizing themselves for continuing to engage in their binge eating, emotional eating, overeating, restriction, overexercising, yo yo dieting, body image concerns, or fill in the blank your food or body coping mechanism. Everything you do, you're doing FOR yourself, not TO yourself. While the pain can be immense from hearing all of the harsh things your inner judger says to you, it is also protecting you from feeling and facing the things your body is holding onto for you.

I know it may feel strange to consider your inner judge as a protector and real life bullies are also often trying to protect something as well.

Here are some ways you might play with interacting with judgment differently.

1. Acknowledge the judge.

You can eat an entire tub of popcorn and not even realize it during a movie often because of the lack of awareness. You're so thoroughly involved in the movie that all other acts drift into the background. Your inner judger may have become like a tape playing over and over again. You want to bring the judge into the foreground so they're not being sneaky behind your back. When you start to feel and hear judgment, practice pausing and naming that judgment is here.

2. Get curious about the judgment.

You don't have to believe anything the inner judger is saying to you. For example, if someone said to you that you're a pink unicorn, you would know that was ridiculous. You would know that you're not a pink unicorn. So why is it that you believe the things your inner judger says? Who said that to you or made you believe those things early on in your life? Your inner judger was created at a point in your life when you needed them and by believing what they say, it's protected you from your body and the emotions that felt too much to be with. You might hear them out as if someone was just reading words on a page to you to interpret the inner judger differently.

3. Thank the inner judger.

Have you ever been mad at someone you care about? And, they responded with thanks for letting me know how you feel. Suddenly, you feel heard. You feel seen. The intensity of your emotions start to dissipate. You can support your inner judger in feeling seen and appreciated for the job they feel like they're doing for you by thanking them for showing up. You may not know what they're protecting you from and you can still appreciate their presence trying to support you in feeling safe.

Sometimes, your inner judger is going to take over. It happens to all of us. The practice can be to show up for yourself when the inner judger is present as they're there doing the only thing they know how and what's on the other side, only you will know when you're ready to process that.

As a reminder, my Somatic Eating® Intensive is on sale for 40% off until Tuesday, November 28th. You'll receive a 2.5 hour class to begin to understand your food impulses and body's language along with a week of 1:1 Voxer support where you will be able to send me a message every day and receive individualized guidance back from me. You can check that out HERE.